There’ll always be someone who could replace me.

Deep down I know that I’m insignificant & replaceable - hence I often have this bad habit of thinking low about myself & it affects my confidence.

Thoughts are often closer to a reality than actions, I listen to every thought that follows my actions, & at times see myself even lower afterwards.

Esp when it’s about love, as I believe that love is a verb, I just don’t think I’m doing it right & good.

I did things I better not to, I find myself hoping for people to do things I don’t wanna do. I’m aware of my insincerities but I do nothing about them. I know I can do better, that I can make things better.

& yet in the midst of my mediocrity & these facts - particularly about a rare someone - I still find myself hoping I could feel wanted, that I’m significant & irreplaceable, for good.

For good.

The stones shop that I always passed everyday.

The fat cats that don’t seem to need street feeding anymore.

The hot curry that I ate at 3 AM.

The cold meal that I never thought I would enjoy eating.

The albums I played on my way home.

The playlists I made.

The movies I watched at night.

The lyrics that I was supposed to learn.

The scent of perfume that I always used.

The songs I discovered.

The cold wind that sweeped my skin.

The sweater that turned out couldn’t help to keep me warm.

The street light that I took picture of.

The sea of clouds I saw from the sky.

The sweet alcohol.

The crowded places.

The handmade peach cake.

The frustration of adventures with strangers.

The excitement, as well.

The intimate live music that I enjoyed so much.

The unusual fluffy thing inside a savory meal.

The stories about crush that I don’t often hear.

The new insights about how people live.

The omelet rice which kinda the only thing I could treasure.

The unsweetened ice coffeee in cold weather.

The sweetened ones or the hot ones, sometimes.

The sea at night.

And many more.

And many more, please.

(Warning: a super self-centered rant about the pandemic)

I’m sick of this pandemic. I’m tired of this routine. & I realize it’s not really because I want to meet people I know. Yes there are a few people that I’m dying to meet & hangout with, but really the number is damn small I can even count em with my hand. All these times, I think things which spark my excitement mostly come from 2 sources: when I’m really alone & when I’m in “adventures”. With this shitty pandemic, I need to sacrifice my sleeping time for the 1st one (that’s why I often still up at 3 AM folks, some of you asked me before). & obviously I’m currently not able to experience the 2nd one. I want to see more places. I want too meet more strangers with interesting personalities & ways of living. I want to go to concerts. I want to feel more feelings. It’s so sad to think that I was supposed to experience my 1st solo trip this year…. not to mention those canceled concerts… I was sooo ready to experience sooo many feelings this year & the pandemic ruined em all. Also lately, I feel like time flies so fast. It’s scary how 6 months++ have passed but the situation doesn’t get any better. It’s currently one of my biggest worries I think, losing my time to this pandemic.

Just gotta put a quote that I like from a movie that I (kinda) dislike here

“Sometimes a thought is closer to truth, to reality, than an action. You can say anything, you can do anything, but you can’t fake a thought.” - I’m Thinking of Ending Things

When you are hoping for yourself…

“I hope my feelings for you will never change”

“I hope I won’t cry watching this movie”

I feel like I’m hoping for someone else, not myself. I feel like I don’t have a full control of myself, that there is a part of myself that goes and does things by itself, and there I am hoping for that part of me to do things according to what I have planned in my brain.

I hate to admit this but it takes so much courage and energy to say things that I wanna say… not just big things like voicing an argument in an important meeting, but even as simple as asking friends to go for lunch/offering them our food. It’s not that deep down I don’t really wanna ask/offer them, but it’s just hard to effortlessly say those kind of things. I even often find myself rehearsing the sentences inside my head before I said it…. Deep down I’m afraid of their responses, will they accept my offer? Will they say let’s do it another time then we need to go through this again? Will there be a chance that my voice turns out to be too quiet that they wouldn’t hear me but the others could hear me & it would be super awkward?

"am i me through geography?"

Such a good question from The 1975’s I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) - one of my favs from them.

Just because we were born in certain places, does it mean that we need to love that place & everything in it? Even tho it seems like the society is telling us that way, but for me the answer is — no. Can’t deny where we’re from & environment obviously play a part in shaping us, but it’s not an obligation. Actions & preferences are very personal, hence don’t put pressure in it. If you are defined by the things that you love — then you could be you through geography, or you could be otherwise. Your choice.

lana

Putting aside Lana’s latest controversy which she called out some names out & also some of her art which criticized as “glamorizing abuse” — I just feel kinda agree with her that there needs to be a place in feminism (& in the world in general) for women who’re often viewed as “delicate”, “submissive”, & “passive”. Not every woman has the abilities and/or desires to be an “alpha”, a leader, or an ambitious person in general. Who’s so vocal about so many things & can speak words with a loud clear voice confidently. Who can directly argue with people who opposed feminism & throwing out sharp rebuttles. Who appears fearless & persuasive at most times.

I believe there are women who’re naturally not born that way but willing to learn to be “dominant” when it’s needed. I believe there are women who’re more comfortable to communicate their thoughts through poetic words, songs, or other “indirect” & “not to the point” medias. I believe these women are not really weaker & less intelligent than the others. & I believe we need to have a place for these women. We need to hear these women too. Bcs sadly, as Lana stated, these women’s voices are often taken away by “stronger” women or by men who hate women.

On a side note, I think what Lana does is just sharing her experience, thoughts & feelings through her songs. & I believe not every song has to have a “positive” meaning. Many are just descriptions of moment & feelings, and as someone who rarely shares my problems to others, it’s really comforting to know that there’s someone out there with similiar experience/thoughts. I’m someone who’s more often being comforted through songs, movies & mangas rather than people, so I really appreciate these types of arts. It’s just my coping mechanism — to often seek help from relatable sad songs/movies/mangas to cry with whenever I feel down. & some Lana’s songs are part of them.

about loving yourself

People often say “treat others the way you want to be treated”. But for some people I think “treat yourself the way you treat people you love” is more important.

It’s often not easy to love & accept ourselves. However there are baby steps that we could try to practice: copying things we do for people we truly love & care about, but this time they’re for ourselves.

For examples

1. Checking on yourself regularly: do I eat well? Am I healthy? then telling yourself: get enough sleep, eat healthier food. Also: buy yourself those vitamins, fruits, vegetables, yoga mat. These are common ways for humans to show that they “care” for others, right?

2. Letting yourself to “feel”. If we often offer emotional support to our loved ones, offer yourself one. Be vulnerable & honest to yourself. Treat your failures kindly, but make sure you’re still on the right track. Remind yourself if there are things that just won’t do.

The list could still go on & on. Well it might be hard for people who always think that they never really love people in the right way according to their expectation (re: me) but at least…. perhaps we could try not to treat ourselves worse than others❤️

On second thought…. I believe it’s inaccurate to call em “baby steps”. They might be huge, hard, uncomfortable steps. But I hope they’re still worth to try.

Funny how some people seem like they’re “competing” to be more miserable - to let people know that they suffer more which also make them to look down on others’ problems as if theirs are more important & crucial & hard to solve. For a 5years old, not getting a candy might be a big suffering. For a student, getting a low mark might be a big suffering. People have different stages & problems in life; & they suffer differently also. It’s something you can’t simply quantify & compare. Looking down at others’ problem won’t make you a better person also, so really what’s the point?