I don’t know why but I find myself thinking about Mikasa a lot & have a soft spot for her. Despite the fact that she’s one of the strongest soldiers (if not 2nd after Levi), I think she’s actually a baby….. my heart breaks a little seeing this scene where she looked so awkwardly happy having her 1st ice cream ☹️☹️☹️

I feel like there are so many suppressed sides of her because of her relationship & feeling for Eren. Life’s been so tough for her since she was small. Saw her mom being killed, lived with a family that saved her, burdened with the thought of having to protect Eren (one of the hardest men ever to be loved & protected I believe) - I think it’s been a habit for her to not show her true feelings. I really wish her happiness & freedom in the end…

//Might contain a bit spoiler of SNK chapter 137

I hate that I somewhat agree with what Zeke (used to) believe in. Why is it so important to multiply? If I have the power to stop people… no, not just people but all beings. If I have the power to stop all beings to multiply I think I would do so. Reincarnation is a looping hell. Ending our suffering here & we’ll start another suffering. Life is suffering. But wait no… on 2nd thought I think I won’t do that. People are free to choose what they wanna be. I believe in celebrating preferences. I won’t enforce my own beliefs on others. I guess I’ll just gather people who want to end their own reincarnation & use the power on us.

(I literally changed my mind during writing this & I won’t erase what I previously thought. People change. It can be in seconds. Or milliseconds.)

I once got a feedback that I’m not “competitive” enough. I think it’s not that I’m not competitive, instead I have lived too long with it & have eventually grown tired. Even tho it led me to who I am now, it wasn’t pretty. Hence I consciously & regularly try not to be that way, cause I believe it’s not something I want to be. However I must admit in certain cases, in order to get what I want - I need to be strategically competitive.

To keep my sanity, I think I really need to reduce intentionally or unintentionally checking on people. Otherwise, my competitive soul would eat me up - resulting in me chasing something that I don’t really want. I must believe in my own pace & my capability. A wise dose of other people’s influence won’t hurt, but I need to mind only the people who could inspire me. Ain’t easy to do in an era where we could get easily drunk on loads of information. “Focus on yourself” might be a cliche & overrated advice for some people, but I think it’s something I need to remind myself often.

On a side note, I believe absorbing too much information without really acting upon it won’t get me any far.

So what if I fail? The more important thing is to always try doing my best with my situation, mental health, resource, & energy at the moment.

WHAT. A. STRANGE. YEAR

-is what I think when I look back on 2020. Today is 31 Dec'20 & I feel like I wanna write something. Not really sure about what to write but I think I’ll just take this moment to be honest & vulnerable, pouring my thoughts & feelings about 2020 - the strangest year ever.

Let’s start with something cliche: what I’m most grateful about. As you might have known, I’ve been working on Peach Over Berries, a business I started back then in mid-2019, and been focusing more during pandemic due to more free time. Still remember last Dec'19 we hit 1K followers (took me ~6months!!! Super slow) However this year it’s growing really well, much more than I expected (P.S I’m the type that always set achievable goals for instant gratification lol) Never thought I’d think that I’ll be able to live from Peach Over Berries, even tho my 9to6 job is still my main source of income. I used to think Peach Over Berries is my happy space. A playground where I could pour out my creativity & idealism, as well as try & fail & try again in many things. I have this weird urge of wanting major control in things that I do, which I can’t really find in my 9to6 job. But as I’m getting more serious about it, somehow, sometimes, it begins to feel like a burden. I saw it coming tho. I expected it. I know when we consider something as our career, as something that could feed us, it’s not gonna be entirely a happy space. It’s going to feel like a burden at some point. I think I’ve said it somewhere in this blog that I’m naturally & raised as a competitive person and as I started to keep track of the numbers: followers, revenue, profit, engagement, etc - the burden starts to feel more & more real. Now the next step is, which is also something that I need to seriously think about: how to make peace with the burden & keep moving on. Anyway despite the negative feeling, I’m still tremendously grateful. Without the pandemic I don’t think it would happen this soon.

Moving on to something more personal… Prior to pandemic I’ve mostly been living apart from my family for years. I used to dislike being at home cause of some things I don’t think I’d share here. Turned out after ~9months of living together with my family again, actually it’s not as bad as it was before…and I kinda enjoy it?! I used to hate when people change as if I forgot that it could be for a better direction but now I’m happy to see our personal growth. However, I still feel like something is missing. I once read that we can never really relaxed & rest assured unless when we’re really alone - and I resonate with these words extremely well. Living with my family still feels like I need to be available all the time & I’m not sure how to explain but saying “don’t disturb me” won’t be a great help. Also, have I told you that my room has no window & there’s a hole for shared air-con with my brother? R.I.P privacy lol. I enjoy me-time a lot when I’m just doing my things with minimum distraction or just getting lost in my thoughts. Besides, when I’m completely alone I feel like I could be more honest with myself. I hesitate a lot in showing my hardships/crying in front of other people & as this pandemic brings a lot of negative feelings - it’s not easy to release them when I’m not alone. Well I hope by sharing this I don’t come off as if I don’t love my family cause I love them & I care about them. Heard it somewhere that distance is the 6th love language and I think if it’s included in the test it would be in my top 2 list lol. (#1 would still be act of service, I believe…or not?) Anyway I’m considering to rent a room next year & see how to balance my time alone while still connecting with my family. Finger crossed!

Despite my need of being alone, after all I’m still a human… and humans are social creatures lol. My family is quite strict about the pandemic (me too). Me & my brother are both working from home. We don’t really go anywhere, only eating out sometimes (MUST be outdoor & not too crowded so we could still apply social distancing) or rent Airbnb in town. We spray alcohol over everything that we touch. We limit interactions with other people and we do voting every time a family member wants to meet others. That being said, I rarely meet other people… and the pandemic makes me realize that my virtual social interaction capacity is actually pretty limited. Even with my closest ones, responding to text often feels heavy as well as initiating or joining calls. I desperately miss “real connection” with my closest ones and I truly hope next year will be better. I’ve shared about this before in one of my previous posts so I won’t talk too much about it.

Talking about closest ones, I only have a very few of ‘em & I’d like to keep it that way. However, I love meeting new people and being inspired by their different ways of living. I constantly think that we’re only one decision away from a totally different life - but that one decision needs to be considered carefully, don’t you think so? There are consequences of each of the decisions that we make, and by knowing “real” people who take similar decisions, I believe I could make better assumptions of the consequences. I have some ideas in my mind on how to connect with more people but then…. the pandemic came. I guess for now I’ll just stick with watching Terrace House.

Lastly…I would like to share about the familiar feeling that I’ve been feeling all my life, which is getting more obvious during pandemic: emptiness. I feel like it’s becoming more often for me to suddenly pause when I’m doing something, questioning why the hell am I doing this. Then the circle of questions comes: okay I do this for this objective - but then what, then what, then what? I’m not a religious individual but I understand the main goal that I should aim according to my religion, but feels like I’m getting even further from it. I constantly find myself easily demotivated, it could be even just a few seconds away after the burning motivation that I felt. The thought of wanting to disappear also comes more often than ever. Can’t believe there’d come the day when I’d say this - but I miss joining intense meditation retreat. I think I’ll sign up for one after the world gets better.

—

Wow what a long post! Just realized that I shared lots of personal struggles (even tho not in detail). Actually one of my main sources of insecurities this year is that almost everyone around me seems to be doing just fine despite the pandemic, meanwhile I often feel that I’m not fine. The ones who share their struggles are usually the self-help accounts that I follow on social media, or people I don’t know personally. Thus I hope if in any way you’re experiencing similar feelings like mine, this writing could comfort you that you’re not alone. Also hope the world will heal soon & 2021 to be a better year for us!

“Setting your own priorities so your decision will not be blinded by people’s approval”

Found these words on my phone’s notes & honestly don’t remember why I wrote this but damn the feels when I read em again.. & thought I need to post it here so I’ll be reminded again in the future🌸

I hate period.
I remember I used to be all okay during my periods, not even a slight of physical pain.
But then it was a CNY night, I was having dinner with my big fam in this restaurant, I remember sitting on a swing with my severe stomachache… I thought I was dying. CNY nights were always nice until then.
Then I carry this physical pain for so many years. The combination of 1st days of period + lack of oxygen made me almost passed out several times. The 1st days of period itself made me took many of my leaves of school, college & work. There were (&still are) many painful days…but I thought that’s it.

Yes I’m aware there’s this thing called PMS but I never feel like I’m experiencing it. Until…well I forgot exactly when but I was starting to see these patterns…. when I’m being unreasonably moody and sad particularly around a week before period. I’m not feeling like myself, & when I try to figure out the patterns… there it is. I know it’s PMS.

Surrounded by people who had (& still have) high expectations towards me makes it hard to give space for failures. Being compared constantly makes me easily see the bads in myself instead of the goods. Always feeling like I’m not enough, that I need to be ahead of most people… I’m just too used to only let people (esp my closest ones) see the best & strongest sides of me, & I think I’m quite an expert at hiding the opposites. It leads me to hate being weak, esp in front of others.

So after I learned that I regularly have this PMS…unconsciously I can’t help to feel like I have an excuse to be at my lowest every month. I feel like I’m only letting & accepting myself to be sad & broken during this time of the month. I pile up these negative emotions to be felt, stay up late, watch sad movies, read sad mangas. cry all I want - but only during this time of the month that I’d feel okay. I tell myself, “Oh it’s just the PMS that’s why I’m feeling this way. All will be better when the period really comes.” - & deep down I think I know I’m lying to myself. I think it’s really not just the PMS. I know I’m not the saddest person in this world & many people have it worse than me & I have so many things that people would be grateful about (not that I’m not tho)…. but all of these don’t negate the negative emotions that I felt.

Truthfully after I wrote this long now I’m confused whether I should be grateful for the PMS cause it’s giving me a space to be at my lowest, or I should hate it as always cause it might not a healthy space & it just actually makes me unreasonably moody.

I said that I hate being weak but here I am writing long-ass paragraphs about my weakness lol. My main objectives of having this page are to practice writing & to be more honest with myself. Besides, I had people thanked me before for opening up, told me that I helped them to feel like they’re not alone & that it’s ok to screw up - just because I shared a short story about my lowest times. Truthfully I often feel that way too when I read sincere writings of hardships. So I’d still be grateful if one could take a positive outcome from reading my writings here. However please kindly don’t talk about what I wrote on this page in person. It would be uncomfortable for me as I rarely show this side of me in real life hehe. Hope all of you who read this have a lovely day!❤️

A bit late but The Social Dilemma is worth to watch👌🏻 I have always been aware that these giant platforms’ objective is money & they trade our attention for it. But through this documentary I’m being reminded that this trade system also works for propaganda & fake news. Used to wonder why some people can believe in such a nonsense like flat earth & tadaa turns out a (big) part of it is bcs the ✨algorithm✨ keeps showing them contents about it, consistently & persuasively. Not surprising at all. Agree with many of the points in this documentary: that algorithm is subjective, that AI can’t solve fake news bcs they don’t know what’s the truth, that it’s ok for these platforms to have financial goals (of course) but we need sort of regulation or such which define that it’s not all the time about profit. There must be a time that put national interest & humanity above financial goals - which is more important than the profits of somebody who’s already a billionaire.

Also a bit out of context, I always believe that working in big companies, no matter how positive their company value is - I think capitalism will always be involved. More or less. It’s just hard to believe that the positive value are truly embodied & believed by all the employees, all the decision makers, all the shareholders; and that all the business judgements & decisions are based on these values as the foundation, not profit or growth or good media coverage to increase positive PR. After all it’s a company, not a charity foundation. & I used to think the people in sales / marketing will be the ones who’re most prone to moral dilemmas related to this. Yes I’m aware of this thing yet I still work in a big company, specifically in marketing. I think I’m not privileged & kind enough to do only non-moral-dilemmas things. I know I need to compromise some things. But anyway, what I wanna say is I used to think by being a product designer / software engineer / tech person in general will be less prone to moral dilemmas BUT this movie shows me that it’s not the case… these tech people are the ones that making an algorithm to show people fake news. They’re one of the crucial factors that made it happen.

Is it just me or this whole pandemic makes us a harder to understand human being? I miss connecting with people I love, even tho the number is only a few. But it’s the definition of “connecting” prior to pandemic which I miss. Not virtually. & I feel that this pandemic reduces my virtual social interaction capacity. Even with these special people, I feel like I’m losing the desire to respond to text & initiate / join a call / video call. I have experienced pandemic (& LDR) long enough to understand that texts & calls don’t really help for me. I. Want. Real. Connections. With. Them. & truthfully I’m afraid that with my reduced virtual social capacity, people will slowly walk away from me. I really only have a few people that I can hold on to, & it’s just so sad to think whether the pandemic will set us a distance we might not be able to turn back.