Sometimes itās hard to accept the fact that Iām sadā¦ bcs I canāt help to think that being sad correlates with being weak. & it annoys me more that sometimes I could be sad & feel like shit with no particular reason. On those times I tend to find āmediumsā that allows me to cry without feeling too weak.. like watching sad movies, reading sad mangas, or listening to sad songs. Sometimes I couldnāt even tell if Iām crying bcs the movie is really sad or bcs Iām originally sad in the first place. But it does help me to feel better.
Have you ever felt that youāre in need of being sad?
Yet you donāt really know why you are sad
Then you begin to search for mediums for you to cry & channel your sadness
You listen to breakup songs, you watch the saddest movies
& yes you cried a lot
But itās still there,
The sadness.
Donāt know whether these are the right words to express my thought, but I once read an article on Medium titled āPaul Graham: The Power Of Keeping Your Identity Small In A Changing Worldā & I was like āthatās what Iām trying to do all these times!!!ā. The article isnāt really about liking things & Iām not even sure whether ālikingā is the right word, but what I wanna say is that I always try to not being āattachedā to only few things, & making sure I donāt have deep attachment towards things. Having many different things to do, many different things to like, many different priorities - these are what keeps me sane. Deep down I always ask myself āwhat if you donāt have this/that?ā & I always try to make sure that the answer is not āIāll left with nothingā.
I wanna be someone who says things that I really meanā¦ at least at that time I really meant it. Donāt know why I often feel like many people donāt really mean what they say.. ex when giving compliments. I understand that giving compliments is good to make oneās day happier but when people do it too frequently & often you wholeheartedly donāt think what they say is true, itās kinda make you start to not believe in what they say anymore; donāt you think so? At that point I just understand & appreciate that they are nice people who like to say nice things with a good purpose, but I donāt believe in what they say.. & I wonāt say which one is better tho. I think itās just different way of living life.
I feel like there are many people who prefer sharing their failures & sadness in a ābeautifulā way, which is after they have passed it & got something better (ex those successful peopleās stories about how hard their struggles back then). Somehow it creates a perception that our lowest points in our life need to be āpackedā to look beautiful, while in fact THEY ARE NOT. Canāt say that Iām not that type of person but Iām currently learning to embrace my flaws, failures, sadness, lowest points in a more ānot beautifulā way so people will feel like itās ok to be not ok too. Ironically I still share it in form of art & Iām still not sure how to do it in a completely not beautiful way.. (esp online) but I do believe it doesnāt have to be beautiful.
1. I get really nervous everytime I need to speak in front of many people, to the point that my hands are shaking. Thatās why I really hate talking with mic because it would be really obvious that Iām nervous. And to overcome this, I always prepare scripts & exercise as often as I can before the D-day. Yes, Iām not good at impromptu public speaking.
2. Iām a very anxious person, to the point that sometimes I get anxious before meeting my close friends too, afraid that I canāt keep the conversation going smoothly. I get anxious when I want to share my food with others too. Sometimes I even prepare scripts just for casual talksā¦. I really adore people who can naturally make people feel comfortable around them.
3. I overthink too many things, and can get stressed just because of small things. Then I will get more stressed because Iām stressed with myself being stressed over small things.
4. Iām frustrated by the fact that sometimes I canāt hold on my cheap tears that always come out suddenly, including those tears I shed when I was reading shoujo comics in Gramedia š (while standing ofc)
5. I can change my mind very quickly. One second I think A is true but the next second I could think A is a bit unlogical so B is true. Iām sorry if one day you see me being not consistent with what Iām saying. Iāll try my best to make sure that thereās a legit reason behind all of that.
6. I easily forget things - including many important things that I supposed to remember.
7. Up til now I would still choose to disappear like a popped bubble if I could. (No reincarnation & people will forget that I ever exist) but since I know I couldnāt, Iād like to live this life as best as I canā¤ļø
Wow turned out that all the fun facts are my weaknesses!
I think itās safe to say that the 1975 is one of few that validates many of my thoughts & feelings. Itās the same exact band that talks about making sins & mistakes, using someone as a way to deal with your hardships, not wanting to commit but not wanting that someone to walk away either, feelings of wanting to die sometimes, falling in love, the urgency of climate change, as well as optimistic messages for current messy social & politic situations. & thatās also exactly who we all humans are. At some points weāll make sins & mistakes, but that doesnāt really make us unqualified to make this world a better place, or raising awareness about it. If itās only the ones who never make sins whoāre qualified in making this world a better place, Iām 100% sure that this world will never be a better place. & as thereāre tons of issues in this world that needs to be solved, itās also pretty human to āpickā which issues we really care for & actually do something about it, while making sins related to other issues. Iām not saying that we shouldnāt feel guilty for our sinsā¦. but I think we should āhumanize sinsā. In my opinion itās healthy to feel guilty for our sins (or our future sins), but itās not healthy to resent ourself so much for that. Next is either you try not to do the same, or you just accept that this is the sin thatās worth to do. To be frank, this thinking kinda saves me all this time.