I’ve been trying to love you all my life,
But you keep stabbing me with knives.


I used to stab you back,
But you would stab twice as much at me.


I tried to suppress my urge to stab you back, & instead let you know that it’s not good to play with knives.
You nodded, but then you would still stab me with bigger, sharper ones.


I cried & begged you to not stab me anymore,
You said sorry but then in a blink of an eye you would pick up your knives again.


& for f*ck sake, I was the one who bought you those knives.


I know that some people are difficult to love.
But out of countless possibilities, I wonder why it must be you.
Cause the world tells me we’re meant to love each other.
Cause I truly care for you and I want to love you.


…at this point I dont think I can do this anymore.
& I dont think i would ever heal.
& I know i’ve had enough .
& I need to save myself.

I guess maybe certain broken relationships are not meant to be repaired.
‍‍

Sometimes all we can control is how well we let go of control. -Lori Deschene 

We’re so used to certain relationship categorizations: family, lover, friends, etc. However, honestly I think relationship is a very vague word to define as there are endless possibilities of it. Some relationships can’t be defined easily but can’t be denied that it’s strongly there, which often somehow being “forced” to fall under friends category, if it really needs to be categorized.

One of the memorable examples is the relationship between Freddie Mercury and his ex-wife, Mary Austin - which I learned from his biography movie Bohemian Rhapsody. Their relationship as lovers ended cause Freddie turned out to be gay. 

“Our love affair ended in tears, but a deep bond grew out of it, and that’s something nobody can take away from us. It’s unreachable. People always ask me about sexuality and all those things, right from the early days, but I couldn’t fall in love with a man the same way as I have with Mary. All my lovers asked me why they couldn’t replace Mary, but it’s simply impossible,” Freddie once said in an interview. He even passed down much bigger portion of his wealth to Mary compared to his family, friends, and his lover.

I just think that the relationship is so beautiful, and it’s such a blessing to have that kind of relationship. But somehow I feel like these relationship categorizations we follow in society are holding people back from having such relationship. That we need to be the closest to our lovers, that we need to keep a safe distance from friends - esp after marriage. (Another reason why marriage is scary)

However, I think it might be the selfishness of human beings that formed those relationship categorizations. It’s easy to say that Freddie & Mary’s relationship is beautiful, but if I were to put my shoes on Freddie’s lover…. I wonder if I’ll be okay.

So I started a writing circle with my closest friends, in which there’s a certain topic we need to write to every week. And this week’s topic is… Growth.

I’ve been thinking of what I should write, cause honestly the word “Growth” sounds so grand. Should I write about my top life lessons? About my accomplished dreams? & how I strove to reach them?

However, this week I’ve been so carried away with responsibilities & I’ve been sleepy most of times, leaving me with minimal space to think about something “grand”. To say that something is my top life lesson (for example), I think it needs lots lots lots of time spent for self-reflection. As much as I want to write it, it feels like I’m not in an ideal state to do that.

But after I re-think about what growth means for me and look back on my current life, the word growth is not exclusively only for grand things. There are 2 of my growths lately that I’d like to appreciate & share:

• I committed to several things, including to write consistently. Heard it somewhere that writing will not happen only when you’re inspired, it will only happen when you take time to sit down & really write - one of best writing advices ever. Around 2017/2018, I made a resolution to write 1 article per month. It didn’t happen partly because I always wait for my inspirations to be ready. Seeing now I can (quite) consistently write at least a piece every week….. wow.
• I feel like I have better emotional maturity these days. Some people might see me as someone “soft”, but truthfully I am quite sensitive to specific people and topics. They used to so easily make me angry and throwing curse words - but these days I’ve seen myself handling it better. Responding to a tantrum with another tantrum will just make it worse. Responding with a toned-down manner & logical explanation is better. I like the after-feeling of doing that and I hope I can keep doing it in the future.
  

I… like being in control of myself. That's why it's so liberating to believe that love is a verb. It's something that I can deliberately do, not something that comes and goes randomly. It's something that I know because I decide, not because of the butterflies I feel in my stomach. I first adopted this definition from an eye-opening article from Kris Gage, which I even wrote down the summary in 2018. Thought there might be someone out there who needs it :)

My (Somewhat Strange) Association with Seasons 

It’s strange to think that a long time ago I used to be in love with summer that much to the point that I made it a part of my identity, as I thought I was a bubbly one (I think I really was..). For me summer is also a symbol of freedom, a perfect season to do anything and plan anything I want. No need to be afraid of rain, and even if it's too hot, I can still go anyway. But neutrally-not sadly or happily-time & experience do change people. As time goes by I couldn’t find myself resembling summer that much anymore - especially in front of certain people that I met later in life, and considering the baggage and responsibilities that come as I grow older.

Moving on to several years ago, I was captivated by autumn. I instantly fell in love with it after my 1st experience. It's cold, but I can still bear it. Autumn makes me aware of my body more. Even I could tell that the tips of my finger are cold and freezing. Meanwhile in summer, you wouldn't tell if (only) the tip of your finger is hot right? Well, except you accidentally touch something hot. Autumn also makes me learn that everything might not go as the way you planned. Sometimes it's raining, and you need to re-plan your day. Just like life, sometimes you need to re-plan your life if it's not going in the direction you wished before. Last one, autumn makes me think about myself more. On a cold night or cold road, wandering around or just sitting on the couch, wearing your comfiest sweater and socks, a perfect setting to think about your life. Reminiscing the good & bad times, and found myself surprised that I'm not that hurt anymore when remembering the bad times. Or if it's still hurt, you can cry anyway.

Then lately, I think I am most drawn with late summer nights. I know the term from Loco’s It Takes Time (my fav song from him)

“Summer nights that have passed, The cool fall wind. It’s still hard for me to fall asleep, I toss & turn”

- in which the song implies late summer / early autumn. I really like the vibe of the song. I feel a connection to "summer night" cause in the country I live in, everyday can be considered as summer. I love night times cause I feel like I’m more sensitive & honest at night. It’s not easy to wrap up my feelings during the day, especially when I’m busy. However when the night strikes I'll have these secret conversations with myself, which now might not be that secret anymore as I decided to write & publish my writings more lol. I think it's safe to say that most of my writings happen on summer nights :) about the "late"... I guess I just like it cause I often have these thoughts to get lost & start over my life somewhere where no one knows me. Maybe all I want is for my summers to be late summer, which is almost the beginning of another season in life.

Anyway, would love to experience other seasons in the future so I can write about them. I was supposed to experience my first spring in 2020 but damn… covid 19. Hope things will get better soon :(

I always believe that love is a verb and I have always felt like I’m not a good lover. I don’t love right, I don’t love enough. & these thoughts have been haunting me for quite long. They make me believe that I’m not worthy of love, that I don’t deserve to be treated nicely, that I’m the one to blame. Unconsciously I feel like these thoughts have turned into a self-hate habit - which obviously is not a nice trait to have.

However lately, as I have been reconstructing my self-awareness, self-worth & self-confidence, I realized something. Everyone has different ways to love. There go the 5 love languages. Everyone also has their own circumstances and capacity to love. We all have these unique, complex experiences which built us into who we are today, and I believe it affects how we live our life, including how we love someone.

And then there are questions popping in my head:

Do I deserve being treated awfully if I just happen to love differently from what you expect? Truthfully I’m not even clear enough of what you expect from me.

Is it ok to think that - oh maybe it’s you, and it wasn’t me?

—

I was triggered to write this rant while listening to W.D.Y.W.F.M by The Neighbourhood (which I have been listening to for soooo many times lately), especially these lines:

Maybe you're right, maybe this is all that I can be
But what if it's you, and it wasn't me?
What do you want from me?

When you’ve been with someone for so long, it’s scary.

It’s scary cause you’ve been through many firsts with them

It’s scary cause you talk to them more often than anyoneelse

It’s scary cause you’ve shared your most vulnerable sides

It’s scary cause your phone gallery is full of your memories with them

It’s scary cause you often ask their opinion before youdecide things

It’s scary cause you always consider them in your lifedecisions

It’s scary cause your family loves them too

It’s scary cause you’ve built habits around them

It’s scary cause you have passed many phases in lifetogether

It’s scary cause you have gone to many places together

It’s scary cause you have listened to many songs together

It’s scary cause losing them means you’re losing you.

This might come as random, but I adore songs which (I think) intentionally have grammatical errors. I’m not sure about the reasons, it might be to fit the syllables into the beat. I’m reminded of the cases when non-native English speakers mock others for practicing English with grammatical errors, meanwhile the native speakers themselves intentionally do it. It ain’t easy to learn foreign languages & I always believe that the most important thing is to get the message across (mostly). Practicing is super important in learning foreign languages & I’m sorry if anyone has ever hesitated to do so cause some people make fun of them or make them feel small.

So what are you gonna do
When the world don't orbit around you?
- Ain’t It Fun, Paramore

We gon' party all night
She don't care if I die
- Yeah Right, Joji

You is always on my mind
Baby, let's not waste no time
- Omomo Punk, Warren Hue

I guess a flaw is not always a flaw & is often needed to step further.

I have always been into drawing, design & writing for a long time but I never aspire to be an illustrator / graphic designer / writer working for someone cause I am super idealistic in these areas.

This is also one of the reasons I closed my previous small business - Summer Scent Design. It didn’t really give me joy to have my clients told me what to design… I prefer to draw, design & write what I want.

Other BIG reason is because I always believe that I am not naturally talented in these areas lol I quite have an unhealthy nature of only being interested in things that (I think) I could excel instantly.

& honestly it’s clearer in my sight on how to be good at analysis vs how to be good at drawing. It’s relatively simpler to determine what’s right & wrong in an analysis. Meanwhile in drawing it’s more blurry to know.

I once said it somewhere something like: there’s always a Taylor’s song for every phase/occasion in my life. & today I think it’s been proven again. I had an extremely terrible day yesterday, which is more or less related to the pain that I have been consistently experiencing since a long, long time ago. (Hope I’m not exaggerating things by calling it pain, cause it really affects me emotionally). Then I accidentally listened to this one particular Taylor’s song which I never really found relatable, although I like the melody: My Tears Ricochet. But today somehow I feel like this song is really screaming my feelings out. Now I kinda understand why Taylor put it as Track #5 in her folklore album. I’m gonna put the relatable lines here, for a record:

‍

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

‘Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day”

“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace

And you’re the hero flying around, saving face”

“You wear the same jewels that I gave you

As you bury me”

“And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you (when I’m screaming at the sky)

And when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)”

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same”

“And you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

Crossing out the good years”