There’s this one thought that has been very helpful to make my day better, to make me happier, or at least to make me feel less shitty: Happiness is here and now. No, it doesn’t mean that I need to be happy merely with the situation I have now. What I mean is that I can make happiness happen right here, right now. I believe in every situation - as shitty as it is - we still have the control to adjust things for the better - as small as how those things might seem.

I see many people having these big, grand dreams and thinking that they would be happy when they achieve those. It would be a lie if I said I don’t have those kinds of dreams. Yes I might be happier when those dreams come true, but it just doesn’t sit right with me if I can only be happy when they happen. 

I want to be happy now while still working to achieve those dreams. I want to believe that I have control to make my shitty days less shitty.And to do that, it takes a decent amount of self-awareness. What are the things that could put me in a good mood? What makes me laugh? What makes me feel like I’m a better person? Out of the activities that I’ll do today, what variable can I change to make my day better? Some of the answers might sound mundane, insignificant, and stupid - but in my case, they matter.

Cause our life doesn’t consist of only big things & grand milestones. It is a combination of little things: the routines we have when we wake up, the smell of our bedsheet, the clothes we wear today, the food we eat, the things we see, the temperature of the room, the people that we surround ourselves with, the conversation we have, and so on and so forth.

And to be more mindful of these little things has been helping me to make happier days happen.

Have you ever dreamed about someone you have never met?
I have. And it happens quite often.
But I honestly don’t remember much.
I remember them as a “he”, but I don’t remember how he looks like, or how tall he is, or how his voice sounds like.
All I remember is he’s glowing with a gold heart and a warm hug.
Heck, I didn’t even remember if he hugged me in my dream, but it left me a warm feeling as if I’ve just been hugged in the morning.
I always like the feeling and spend some time to remember if he’s someone I know, but it’s always no answer.
Maybe he’s just a projection of whoever I need at that point of time,
cause I often feel like I’m waiting for someone to save me, to fill the void in my chest.
Maybe he’s an imaginary character I create in my head to make me feel safely less lonely,
cause I couldn’t find it in real living people.
And unconsciously, I often find myself hoping to meet him again before I close my eyes at night.

—

Anyway there’s a song that's somehow similar to what I’m feeling: “We’ve Never Met But, Can We Have A Coffee or Something?” by In Love With A Ghost. Even the musician’s name is relatable lol. Listen to it here:

If I were in a movie
I bet it would be a realistic kind of movie
Where all the characters are gray
With their own tangled mind

If I were in a movie
I bet I would be an anti-hero
Or an anti-villain
With a fluctuating amount of goods & bads

If I were in a movie
I bet it would be a movie with an unsatisfying ending
Not a good ending
And not a bad one as well

If I were in a movie
I bet it will be a movie that can remind people
That we’re all insignificant
In this grand scheme of life

If I were in a movie
I bet despite all the imperfect things
It would be a movie that people like
Cause we’re tired of irrational hopes

What do you need more in your life right now?

I spontaneously think, acts of love. Not just for myself, but also for people that I care about. It’s surprising how my immediate answer is a verb that I need to do, not a noun that I need to receive. I’ll take it as a good sign, cause it might mean that what I need is under my control.

For me: Yes I’ve been trying to do acts of love for myself, but I just think it’s not enough. These days I feel like I’m losing my confidence again - which I believe deeply correlated with self love - and I know I need to get back soon. I once did, and I know I’ll be able to do it again. I just need to do things I need to do. I’m sure this kind of crisis will happen again, and I don’t care how many times it will happen again, but I promise myself that I will always try to get back again.

For others: I feel like I love myself less cause I feel like a villain that don’t love others properly, and yet still wanting to be loved properly. Therefore I think, maybe to love myself more, I need to start doing more acts of love for people that I care about. I can’t control how people treat me, but I can control how I treat people. So let’s just do the best, and if things don’t turn the way I wanted, maybe it’s just not for me, and let’s evaluate the next steps later. I have applied this kind of approach in other parts of my life, I wonder why it’s much harder in relationships.

So I will do more of them - acts of love.

But really, how does one realize that it’s time to break up?
Is it when we talk about our dreams & they seem to be on totally different paths?
Is it when one of us seems to always refuse talking about our future?
Is it when we change - just like all people - and it’s not in a direction that each of us prefers?
Is it when we listen to sad love songs & it feels like they’re all talking about us?
Is it when we find ourselves missing the old us or fantasizing about our seemingly impossible future too much?
Is it when we drink alcohol while thinking about each other, but strangely it tastes sweet?
Is it when we can’t resist chasing the mundane feelings, even though we know that feelings come and go?
Is it when the hard truth revealed itself, that we’re actually not sure of each other?
Is it when we decide that this love is difficult, and we worth ourselves more than the relationship?

‍
And is it okay, even if I have seen all the signs, yet I decide to stay?

If someone doesn’t want me, it’s not the end of the world.
If I don’t want me, the world is nothing but ending.

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot while also thinking about my fear of being left by someone familiar. As far as I remember, I always feel like I need someone that wants me. I’m intoxicated by the feeling of being wanted. So every time I feel like someone that used to feel that way about me is not anymore, I began to fall apart. And I numb the pain by finding another someone who wants me.

My personality test result has been telling me that I’m an introvert these past years, and yes I do like spending time or going places alone. I’ve been okay with not spending much time with that someone or not having a plan to commit further soon. I just need the feeling. The feeling of being wanted. The feeling of having someone being so sure about spending the rest of their life with me. The feeling of there’s no one that could replace me. And let me tell you that feeling ain’t a wonderful one to hold on to. Hence I really aspire to be the one in the quote. To make peace if no one wants me, and to believe that the most important person that I need to want me is no one but myself.

One of the saddest things I’ve ever watched on the internet. He’s one of the bravest cause I know it’s not easy to share our pain & feeling til that depth especially publicly & in a live performance.

I believe this kind of rawness could be a source of comfort for many people (including me). This is something that usually people would share secretly with a few people that they trust & are comfortable with - but honestly not everyone has enough amount of that kind of person in their life. I think having someone sharing it publicly really could make certain people feel less alone and that we’re “really” in this dark place together. I don’t think there are enough people out there who’re willing to share this much with the world (understandable as I said before that it’s not easy). I don’t know if this is a proper way to express it as I hope that the people who’re willing to do so will be in a happier place soon - but I’m grateful for people who do so.

On the contrary, I’ve seen many people sharing positivity. Yes many of them also share their hardships but mostly still wrapped in a positive light. I do believe this could be helpful for someone to crawl from a darker place to a brighter one - but not everyone is ready to do so. I believe we need different things at different points in life. Maybe sometimes all we need at the moment is to feel comforted that it’s ok to feel certain ways and that it’s ok if we can’t picture the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

There’s this one character in Ao Haru Ride manga that I really like.
She’s the main character (MC)’s best friend, Makita Yuri.

I’m inspired by how she has an amazing amount of self-awareness at such a young age (high school). She is the feminine cutie whom the boys like and eventually other girls dislike and jealous of. I’m moved by her words in these panels:

I won’t deny the fact that some people are annoyed with the way I am. In exchange for those negative feelings, I just want to be the person that I am in love with the most.

I think this is also my most fav line from this manga. She clearly knows that there are people who don’t like her, but she’s not willing to change just to fit society’s standards. She stays true to herself, even if that caused her to not have any friends (before the MC approached her). She doesn’t compromise and she prioritizes herself in a positive way. I discovered this line years ago but it’s still a meaningful reminder for me up until now.

Aside from that, I also look up to her honesty, like in these panels:

The context is that she used to like the same guy as the MC but she was rejected. Then one day the MC accidentally talked about that guy and apologized. I love how she’s being very transparent about how talking about the guy is for her sake as well - it makes her feel better about herself, that she has a “big heart”. I always feel like exactly this kind of honesty is quite rare to be found around me, and this line inspires me up til now to write honestly. There are indeed things that we do base on our ego, even things that give positive impacts to others. I know there are people out there feeling guilty or ashamed of this fact hence they try to “conceal” it by the mask of “positive impact for society” but I don’t think it is something that we need to hide. Not everyone is that selfless and doing things only for the sake of others. Internal and external benefits are not mutually exclusive. I hope more people are being honest about this.

When I looked back
I had come further than I thought
Still remember the eyes that screamed underestimate
And the hearts that longed for just enough

It wasn’t an easy journey back then
A 4 people bike ride
A quarter of chicken for the whole family
Piling debts for tuition fee
Or even just to live day by day
20 dollars that felt like the whole world
Gifts that were given out of pity
All sort of tricks to ease the burden

I had come farther than I thought
And I’m grateful for where I am now
And I’m thankful for the angels I met
And I still have a long way to go

As the baggage is shifted to the shoulders of mine & my brother's
As I begin to have the courage to dream
Of not being only just enough

But I guess I'm gonna be alright

When I first saw you in your yellow tee
I thought you’re cute
With those little eyes
You looked like you’re ready to have fun

When you began to spit your words
It felt like I was invited to your world
A bright yellow world
Where the blues are not welcomed

When I got to know you more
Turns out you’ve been through the blues too
But you were able to turn the blues into a blue sky
And you’re shining yellow like a sun on it

When I found out we have the same personality
It somehow gives me hope
That I could be yellow like you too
Slowly but surely

And now every time I see yellow
I think I’ll think of you a bit