Blog

I just wanna put this right here.

RANDOM SHORT THOUGHTS

I admire people who know when & how to say that they already have enough. Cause “enough” is not an easy thing to define & live up to.
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Life is too boring to only work & also too boring to not work.
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What hurts me, hurts me less when I wrap it as a joke.
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I wannabe able to face adversity in a chill & upbeat way AND to implement that inwards cause I know otherwise I’m pretty good.
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Trust the magic of new beginnings
& new beginnings can happen anytime
Any day
Any second
Including right now
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I don’t wanna be proud because I don’t have time to dothings I enjoy. I wanna read mangas. I wanna watch Netflix. I wanna draw. Iwanna do things purely out of the joy that I’ll get. If I feel like I’m notable to do so for a long period, I’ll take it as a warning that I need torethink what I’m focusing on in life.
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Art is magical cause it can turn our negative feelings &experiences into something beautiful.
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I need to think about myself during the daytime more when Icould think more rationally cause I’m more sensitive during the nighttime &it’s DANGEROUS.
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I wonder how many of us are living with a hole inside ourchest and how many of us are not

Below is the earlier draft of the Thoughts on Writing article. However I felt like my thoughts are too complex and needed further explanation that's why I decided to write a longer article. BUT I feel like I don't want to leave this draft unpublished as well - that's why I decided to put it up on my blog :)

I used to have a super love-hate relationship with writing
Cause I thought I need to always be beneficial in my writings
And my impostor syndrome always tells me I'm not good enough
And one of the things I hate is being someone who pretends to know-it-all
So many days passed without writing
I couldn't even achieve my "write once a month" goal
But now I realize
I write for me to understand myself
I write for my future self
I write to express myself
I write to open up opportunities
So I tried to just write whatever
And gathered the courage to publish it
And turns out there are people who are feeling helped by them
And it’s one of my best decisions last year
And I can't thank u enough
Thank you for reading
Thank you for letting me know your thoughts
Thank you for your encouragement when my writings sound sad
And for asking if I am okay
Of course, sometimes I am not okay but I am okay with it
I just want you to know
That I’m grateful to have you

Can’t believe I’m saying this but I finished these 2 books & today is only the 5th day in 2022🤯
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ANYWAY.. is Sayaka Murata a genius? Once I started these 2 I couldn’t stop reading ‘em… both are stories about the unusual soul(s). They’re also a social commentary of how our society works - even tho we’re all different individuals but to some degree, there are these unofficial usual rules we’re living & if we don’t obey those rules there’s a big chance that we’ll experience “social punishment” such as being pressured to do the “usual” things. I love how she touches the topics that I think are not being discussed enough & how she effortlessly explains the point of view of these unusual souls.

Convenience Store Woman
This one is about a 36 yo asexual woman who has been working in a convenience store for 18 years, to the point that all her life is dedicated for the store & she’s not unhappy about it. However one day she meets another unusual soul… the rest you need to read it by yourself. I’m a fan of the ending😉

Earthlings
Ok the 1st thing I wanna tell you is a warning that this book touches A LOT of disturbing & triggering topics - incest, sexual assaults, parental abuse, suicide, murder, underage sex, and even.. cannibalism. Don’t be fooled by the cute hedgehog doll cover, ok? & I don’t wanna tell you the plot cause it’s one of the strong points of this book. The story is surprising but it was built neatly hence more or less I think I can understand why the main characters do what they do. Reading this feels like riding a roller coaster in a dark place & you can’t see the track - you’ll never know where or how it will bring you. It will also show you the dark (if not the darkest) consequences if this world keeps forcing people to follow the unofficial usual rules. If you’re interested & ok with the disturbing topics, I suggest that you should just start reading without searching for detailed reviews or synopsis✌🏻

I always define myself as a super slow reader even tho I like reading mangas & used to be a heavy reader of novels… I guess it’s just because the books I read before were not enticing enough for me lol maybe bcs most of them are self help books?? I guess I prefer fiction like these😀👍🏻 Hope I can read more fiction in the future!

2021 is the year of disconnecting & reconnecting.
It’s the year of falling & getting back on my feet again.
It’s the year of discovering myself much more than I’ve ever done before.
It’s the year of embracing Anicca more - that everything is impermanent and always changing, including myself.
It’s the year of discovering the real story after being trapped in the one I made up in my head for too long.
It’s the year of healing, slowing down, and feeling loved again.
It’s the year of witnessing that I can grow more than what the voice in my head tells me.
It’s the year of realizing that I have significant control in ruining & saving myself.

Sometimes the world aligns not to show us what we really want, but to show us what we don’t want instead.

Such as a conversation that I recently had with one of my friends, in which he told me he encountered someone who offers him a business opportunity and seems (& sounds) very supportive & nice. However, after he assessed further, the offer somehow is a bit scheming. Then I remembered I once encountered similar situations before, and I didn’t take em. In my opinion it’s okay for people to do so (cause they’re not literally lying, they’re just really smart in constructing words) and I think it’s common in a business or professional situation. At certain levels I also need to deal with something similar, but if I had the privilege to choose, I’d rather not be involved closely with someone who I believe to have a specific hidden agenda wrapped in sparkling glittery words. I am aware that things like this might be able to shorten the distance between me & my financial goal - but as I grow older, taking care of my emotional well-being is getting more and more important for me. As much as I can, I don’t want to spend too much of my time being wary. It’s tiring. At this point I think there are just too many things that I don’t want to trade with better financial opportunities. There are many things that we might not be able to take back and I’m enjoying my comfort zone. Thankfully, the definition of how enough looks like for me now is also getting clearer :)

Thank you for talking to me.

It warms my heart when someone tells me this. It's like they understand that sometimes it's hard to just "talk" to someone and it needs lots of effort too.

For me "talking" is not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes I would get really anxious & hesitate to just talk casually to someone - like offerig food or asking how they've been.

Before casual meet-ups sometimes I even list down the questions & topics that I'd like to talk about... Just in case the anxiety will leave me with no words to say :')

P.S. I wrote this note back then on 2019 & I can say that I’ve doing better these days. I think the key is to keep trying even though it’s scary. Practice makes progress (not perfect) lol

To the child, teenager, and almost adult me

I wish you wouldn’t be easily intimidated by others. I wish I could tell you stories about privilege so you wouldn’t feel so small among bigger people, so you would feel less out of place. I wish I could assure you that what matters more is who you’ll become when you’re a little more adult, when you have more control of your life, and I would assure you that you’ll come much further than you thought.

I wish you would appreciate yourself more, even if you failed to meet the expectation that others set on you. I wish you would know that you shouldn't have been compared, especially by people who claim that they love you. AND even if it did happen, it’s ok if you lose. You don’t have to win all the time. I wish you would be able to set your own goals and not living in others' goals of you. I wish I could let you know that some things are just not meant to be yours, that hard work sure matters but it doesn't always pay off the way exactly you wanted it to be.

I wish you would see the beauty inside you and not let men that you swooned over decide it for you. I wish you wouldn't spend so much time being with men who couldn’t appreciate you enough. Men who somehow even worsen the comparison game that you’ve been playing and hating since you’re younger, men who dared to put numbers on you among others. I wish you wouldn’t be obsessed and let those numbers affect you deeply. I wish you would love and respect yourself more.

But still and all, I would like to thank you for everything you’ve done. Thank you for being so strong and brave. Thank you for enduring all the hardships and still moving forward. Thank you for giving me the life I have now :)

"ideal dates"

It would be a casual dine out
That we both can brush off as "oh it's just a meal with a friend"
In case things don't work between us
Brunch, lunch or dinner are all right
What's important is the ambiance to have a good talk
If the food & drink were then it would be a bonus
Genuinely interested in each other
We would try our best to get to know each other
There would be a nice conversation going on
There would be a lot of "I think this could work" realizations
There would be a discussion about a second date next week
And then we would go home thinking
That next week is so damn far away

We would curl up on a couch
Watching something that I'm curious of
Yet I don't dare to watch alone
We would be moved by the movie
And it would trigger an uncomfortable feeling
Which eventually leads to a rare deep talk
I would pour my heart out
The pain and the worries
All the things that I've been keeping inside
Cause they make me feel weak
All the feelings that don't make sense
As if pouring em out can make em disappear
I would feel I talked too much afterward
I would regret it afterward
But then there would be you
Saying all the things that I need
Doing all the things that I need
And even though nothing would disappear
You would make em feel much more bearable
Then I would keep talking nonsense things til dawn
And we would fall asleep holding each others' hand

8.30 AM the sun is up
And so are we
Which is quite rare I know
Getting ready for a bit and we would head out
Excited to see & experience new things together
Whether it's food or drink or place
I know it will be more interesting
Cause I'm with you
We would share everything we order
So we gotta try more things we're curious of
We would laugh at silly things
That others won't think as funny
We would hold hands often
Unless when we're holding our bubble tea
We would go home feeling full
But then you would cook instant noodles a bit past midnight
The one we found interesting in a convenience store the day before
And I would wash the dishes afterward

These days I’m most curious about myself
Just like a 3rd person point of view
It’s weird that I am me
But I am also not me

I feel many things that don’t feel like me
But I know it’s okay to feel foreign things
And I don’t need to know it all
But deep down I still want to know nevertheless

Just like all people I have my problems
And putting them on the paper makes me feel like I could solve it
Yes, the keyword is “feel”
Without concrete actions they would only look be on paper

Instead of being okay with people not liking me
I’m more like, I don’t even know if they like or dislike me
And it's fine that way for most people
I guess being indifferent is a blessing

I curse a little, maybe a little too much
But I don’t really mind
What I mind is when I lose my cool
And I surely never want it to happen, again

From time to time I would feel lonely
But being alone feels too safe
To the point that I’m afraid
Of causing too much distance with my loved ones

I wanna know more people
Their ways of living and perspectives
But I often don’t feel like talking
And I’m aware of my capability to only keep a few ones close

My talent?
It’s crying over upbeat songs
Eating ice cream in cold weather
And being at my harshest state to the people I care about the most

I don’t think I have grand regrets in life
I consider most of my mistakes as valuable
Even if I did have one day
I hope I remember that I can only move forward

Voidness has been a familiar feeling for so long
And I would still choose to disappear if I could
Well I understand that I can’t
Hence I hope I could live my life to the fullest