“Talk about your problems to the one you’re having problem with, or the one you THOUGHT you’re having problem with — because they will never really know if you don’t tell them, or it might be just all in your head.”

This is the typical advice that I really hold on into (even though often it’s not as easy as it sounds like) & also the advice I gave to people who don’t really talk their problems with other people but expecting them to be “solved” with a happy ending. How is your partner supposed to know that you have financial problems so it’d be hard to hang out to fancy places like you always do every weekend & do something about it — if you never talk about it?

However, it’s not the main point that I wanna talk about here. I do believe many problems can be solved by communicating it at the very first. But I also believe that we have the right to talk or not to talk about things. I used to think communication is the key to almost everything: “just talk it out first” & poof! — eventually things will get better. And if you look around, there are so many advices that tell you to go talk about your problems, as well as people who demand you to explain everything about you. Including your loved ones. Even when you already said that you don’t wanna talk about it, there are people who still think that it’s their “right” to know all about you. Then unconsciously… you’ll feel guilty for not telling them.

I like my own space

I was that high school girl who always ask my friends to accompany me everywhere — even most of times I’d go to the restroom with my friends. But as I grow up, along with all the complexity that comes with the term of “growing up”, I begin to realize that I need my own space. There are some things that I wanna keep to myself. I like going on dates with myself. I have a personal blog & social media accounts where I share many of my shits there — even much more shits than my closest ones know. I need some time before sleep just laying on my bed listening to some songs while reading the lyrics. During social gatherings I often find myself looking forward to go home & listen to the song I currently like. I even plan to still have my own room if one day I ever get married. As time goes by I begin to realize it’s the space that I make for myself which plays an important part in keeping me sane all these times.

And yes, I believe we don’t have to always talk about what we feel. I believe there are things & problems that better left untold — at least for me & my mental health. Now I understand why I was really confused when there was someone claiming that he “owes” me an explanation — which in the end the explanation didn’t bring me any good & not that important to know anyway. It might be because deep down I always believe that almost in every case we don’t have any obligation to explain anything to anyone about our own self.

Responsibly Secretive

On the other hand, as much as I believe that we’re under no obligations to tell people about our things, I also believe that there are consequences for every decision we take. Don’t want to talk about the problems you have with your partner? Ok cool it’s your choice, but don’t expect there will be a fairy godmother who will come and magically solve it for you. Don’t blame anyone if it will never ever be solved. You don’t want to share your feelings to someone? 100% up to you, but it might leave you less connected with that particular person. Or they might feel that they are not that significant for you because they think they’re supposed to know about that. You can’t control people’s feeling — even if you tell them that you need your own space & it doesn’t make you love them any less, they might feel less loved. It will be up to you whether you’ll let them invade your personal space to certain extend, or you’ll keep being who you want. You decide, then you deal with the consequences.

In the end it’s usually the “gray” which makes sense for me. I believe I have the right not to tell people about my things, but telling things does bring me good in many cases. Actually I’m also the type of person who’ll feel connected to someone because of the conversations I share with them. And I think it’s often different for every person. There might be someone who needs more personal space than me, or even someone who doesn’t need any personal space at all. I just want to tell you that it’s ok to refuse explaining something about you. It’s ok to keep space with people, including the ones you love. & the ones who love you. It’s ok to keep things to yourself. What’s important is to understand what works for us & the consequences, isn’t it?

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(This post was originally published on 17 February 2019)