I’ve been feeling shitty for the past few months.

I lost confidence in things I do.

I was comparing myself to others a lot.

I was not sure what I want

It felt like whatever I want, I won’t be able to get it

Most mornings I woke up feeling anxious

Sometimes I’d cry too before I got up from my bed

I slept super late ‘cause I didn't want tomorrow to come

Had trouble sleeping too, as my mind kept wandering here & there

I often could feel my heart beats super fast

I binge eat

Made a sad playlist as my crying companion

I miss my old self & I was feeling miserable

At one point, I realized this is not how I want to live. I need to change. So I did some things… & I’ve been feeling much better for the past few weeks :)

Thought there might be someone out there who’s feeling something similiar, therefore I’d like to share what I did:

#1

Sat down for hours, revisited things that inspire me (books, people, quotes, etc), and wrote down the answers to these questions: What type of life do I want? How do I want to spend my days? What are my values? I think it’s important for me to keep reminding myself of what I really want so I won’t be easily swayed by what others are doing. & as I know that people change, I think it’d be good to do this regularly. What we really want today might not be what we want tomorrow, but I believe it’s still important for me to know as my “compass”.

#2

Wrote down my achievements & things I’m good at. I have quite acute impostor syndrome & it really affects my confidence. Doing this has been helpful for me. If you’d like to try, I suggest writing down ANYTHING that you’re proud of. Make a long list. Create a safe honest space for yourself. I even wrote something like “during school, I could reach out to teachers & ask things related to assignments and exams” because lately I’ve been having anxiety in reaching out to people.

#3

Positive affirmations. Everyday. Every time I start to feel down. Repeat ‘em in my head. Write ‘em down. I am confident. I believe in my potential. I’m gonna do me. I don’t need to care about what most people say. I am going to focus on what I can control. 

#4

Adjusted things around & about me. I moved my working desk by the window so I can see the sky when I’m working. Best decision ever. Other than that: started to wear my black eyeliner bolder. Took out & wear my pre-covid shoes that I haven’t worn in more than a year. Wear perfume at home. Mundane things have their own power, don't you think so?

#5

Connecting face to face with people I love. I feel bad to share this when the pandemic is still here, but I want to be honest. I spent more than 1 year disconnected from people I love cause I’m not really good at connecting with them virtually. I’m happy that more & more people are getting vaccinated & that I got my 1st shot of covid vaccine already. Go get vaccinated, folks. Make this world a better place (cheesy but I’m not kidding) & PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep doing covid health protocol, even after you’re vaccinated.

✨Special Thanks✨

Things that helped me during the hard times:

(Song) She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles

A very good companion to cry. The context is not really the same as what I was feeling, but my personal interpretation of the lyrics hit me hard. I felt validated. Let me write here my fav lines (writing these in tears again as I’m listening to the song)‍

It's not simple to say

That most days I don't recognize me

...Sometimes life just slips in through a back door

And carves out a person

And makes you believe it's all true

...And then she'll get stuck and be scared

Of the life that's inside her

Growing stronger each day

'Til it finally reminds her

To fight just a little

To bring back the fire in her eyes

That's been gone but it used to be mine

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(Song) Who You Are by Jessie J

& her opening speech in these 2 live performances:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_D7nLeUphU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4gkUDHR7VU

I always find myself going back to this song most of times I feel down. It’s comforting. It makes me feel better. Magical 3 minutes in my life.

Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars

-

(Book) Company of One by Paul Jarvis

Currently my #1 fav book. A rare gem. In a world where people are glorifying growth, this book shares a perspective to stay small. Company of one is a concept of having a stable, long term business that’s small enough to handle any economic climate, resilient enough to not have to lean too heavily on a single project/client, & autonomous enough to let us build work around life, not the other way around. A business that questions growth - cause growth adds complexity, often strains relationship & ratchets up stress. Keep our growth based on realized profit. ALWAYS fervently question adding new layers of complexity. Staying small means it’s easier to keep integrity & personality at the heart of business. Easier to run a business that suits us & helps customers. We don’t need to leave our values at home when we head to work. If you’re interested in these few sentences, I highly suggest you to read the book. I’m curious about what you think after reading it as well, kindly let me know pls! :)

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(Book) Hell Yeah or No by Derek Sivers

Another rare gem that I found. It’s a compilation of short articles generated from Derek’s journal. I’m inspired a lot by Derek. Love his previous book as well: Anything You Want. & honestly his website is one of the reasons why mine was born.

I’m being reminded of these things from the book:

• The importance of waiting
• How to handle advice
• Think long term, you can do everything you wanna do
• We’re a bad judge of our creation. Just share it.
• A good way to judge a goal. Do we really want it?
• Inspiration = applying what we have received, not receiving information
• Aaaand many more! ;)

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(Quote) A random one that I found on Pinterest

Do you feel the flowing positive energy through your soul after reading this quote? Cause I do.

Feels good to finish this long post! Pretty sure there will be other shitty days ahead, but I hope this writing could help me to put it all in perspective during future shitty days in my life. I wrote something with similiar tone back then in 2018, give it a visit if you're interested :)

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