So I’m turning 25 in 2 days. It’s crazy that time flies so fast. But when I traced back, there were lots of things that I have experienced that shaped me into who I am today. I feel like I’m now a different person. My early 20s were a burning red. I was competitive. I was angry. I always desperately wanted more. I worried too much for things that has happened, and things that had not yet happened. I was in a rage. However, now it has been starting to feel like golden daylight.

I’d like to record some realizations/learnings while I’m on my way to turn 25:

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If I really want something, I need to do my best. But if it still doesn’t work, then it’s just not meant to be for me. If I always don’t have the motivation to do my best, maybe I just don’t want it bad enough.‍

And “doing my best” in my term considers some factors other than the action itself. It means doing my best with my situation, mental health, resource, & energy at the moment. Moreover, “Doing my best” is honestly such a subjective matter, it could look different on each person, or even on ourselves at different points in time. I personally think this mindset has also helped me to live with less regret. 

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Sometimes, the best relationship I can have with someone happens only when I keep a healthy amount of distance.‍

This is actually a bit related to the previous point. Earlier this year I tried to close the distance with people that I’ve been keeping distance with. I believe I did my best, but things just don’t work. It feels liberating as I used to feel guilty for keeping my distance cause I know at that time I was just escaping and I haven’t tried my best. Now I know that it is really necessary to keep my distance.

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Be more mindful of the present moment while making sure that what I'm doing is aligned with the future I want.‍

I know the future is important, but I think the most important is the present moment. It’s the only moment that we can feel, we can enjoy, we can experience. I think about what state I wanna be in the future & what state I wanna be in the present moment. Then I take necessary actions for the future: buy health insurance, secure emergency fund, save money regularly, etc. As long as these actions are still on track, I could worry about the future less and live in the present more. Again, the future & present state could look different for each person, or even on ourselves at different points in time. And the necessary actions could also be different. To be honest, my imagined future state is not yet clear as day, but I’m content with the big pictures that I have in mind right now. 

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Money is a sensitive topic that can lead to many uncomfortable situations.‍

Money is not everything, but we certainly need money to live. And because of this fact, especially the latter part, I have seen people being a real pain in the *ss. Yes money is not everything, but it is a powerful tool that could help us in getting what we want. It could be the key to fulfill our necessities & to determine how “fancy” they could be: food, clothes & place to live. It’s not a secret anymore that we need to assess our potential partner’s financial situation before tying the knot. It could help us to connect with people more easily. And knowing these, it is just understandable if someone is being a b*tch because of money. Including in a work setting cause work is always related to money. I might also be other people’s pain in the ass, and it is also understandable. It’s important to know my worth, but I need to be careful to not be blinded by money. However, as money is a sensitive topic & it could turn our relationship with others turn sour instantly, I’ve been trying to only touch it when it’s necessary.

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The beauty of focusing on myself.

I've been competitive all my life. I’m not sure if I’m naturally a competitive person or if it’s because I was raised to be one. But what I know is I’m tired to be competitive. I’m tired of comparing my life with others and measuring who’s faster. AND It’s damn stupid cause life is not a race. Everyone is on a different start point & has a different finish point. I know it’s damn hard not to compare our life with others, but I think having more self-awareness has been helping me to do so: knowing what kind of finish line I want, what’s important for me. And life is much more beautiful when I acknowledge this cause I can be better at doing & deciding things based on me.

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What makes life hard is our ego and mundane desire.

‍Learned this from my most favorite Ted Talk ever from Jon Jandai. Jon grew up in a small village in Thailand. Many people were telling him that he’s poor and he needs to go study in Bangkok to be happy. So he did, and he wasn’t happy. He worked so many hours and ate poorly. He then came back to his village and live the way he remembered when he was a kid: to only work 2 months a year to grow rice and 15 minutes a day to take care of a small garden with many kinds of vegetables. He even built his own house: spending 2 hours a day for 3 months, meanwhile the most clever student in his class needs to be in debt for 30 years to have a house. In short, he does his things to fulfill his own food, house, clothes and medicine - and after that he feels free. He has less fear and less worry - and eventually comes up with a statement that life is easy.

Watching the video, I also think that yes actually life is not that hard. What makes it hard is my ego and mundane desire. I want to travel. I want to buy new clothes. I want to try that new cafe. I can’t let go of all of em yet, but I learned a new mindset that I have never thought of before - that life is easy - and even by just thinking of it I could feel a sense of hope to freedom (Wait why do I sound like Eren Jaeger). It helped me to think better about what I want in life and I feel like I could be more sure even if it’s not in the same direction with most people. I also feel like I have a choice if someday I want to make life much easier.

You might not resonate with all of them and it’s okay. I might not resonate with them anymore as well in the future. But at least these are the things that I believe in at this moment. I’m also not yet perfect in applying the things I mentioned. I’m a forever work in progress. But I hope when I turn 30 (or earlier), I could say that my life feels like golden daylight. (Yep, reference from Taylor Swift’s Daylight)

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