“…and I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been in my life… And you know what’s crazy? It probably wasn’t the darkest place, but I didn’t know how to accept it and move on. I’ve probably had worse of times since then, but because of this song… It puts it all in perspective.” — Jessie J‘s speech @ Volkswagen Garage Sound before performing Who You Are

2018 is probably one the darkest years I have ever had in my life. If you happen to follow me on my social media, you might think that 2018 is my happy year as I landed an internship in one of the biggest beauty company in the world, I graduated with high distinction, I landed another internship abroad in a country that I put as my 2018 travel bucket list, my family adopted another cute cat, I watched iKON live in Asian Games’ Closing, and so on. Wow, it really doesn’t sound like a dark year, right?

But it was.

#1 Ego

Since I was small, I’ve always been one of top students in my class, academically. My worst was 4th place, on 2nd year of primary school. I remember there was a pic of me holding a trophy when I was on my 1st year of kindergarten. I was 4 years old back then & I didn’t even remember what I did or what the exams were all about to be able to get that trophy — a trophy that distinguished me as the smartest kid in my class — whatever that meant. For 21.5 years I’ve been growing up with people around me thinking that I’m smart and I can do anything if I put my mind in it. I wasn’t born with silver spoon, but I’m always grateful with the fact that sometimes I’m amazed with how my brain can work.

Earlier this year, for the first time, I was in an environment where I feel like people around me don’t think that I’m smart & don’t appreciate me enough. Many times I spent lots of time & effort to do things that they asked, but many times also they didn’t even take a look at it. I tried to communicate what I expect and what I want to learn, but also no significant change. Not only that, I had so much pressure because I need to be responsible in things that are out of my control. I remembered I cried because of super small matter & there were even someone I don’t really know helping me to calm myself. These crushed my ego, made me feel so stupid, insignificant & small. I blamed myself so much for crying over small thing, for not being able to do the small things they asked, for being nervous in talking with people, for being afraid to face people’s reaction over my mistake, and the list still goes on & on. I’m losing myself on tiny errors, as what Jessie J’s said in Who You Are. I almost escaped. But then I realized I had no better plan if I escaped — and even though I couldn’t learn about things I planned to, I could learn about life. I realized that probably was the first time I was being treated that way, & I could actually learn how to accept and cope with it. Because life is not all about glitters no matter how shining you are. There will be people who don’t like glitters as they think it will only make anything dirty. There will be people who don’t even think that you are shining. Or maybe you’re only shining inside your head. It’s normal and there’s no one to blame because it’s not anyone’s job to care or recognize that much about us. People have tons of important things to be taken care of, and it’s not their fault if you are not one of them. Actually now that I looked back, there are many things that I could’ve tried to make things better. But I’m still grateful because I came out even stronger than before. (Big thanks to someone who were there to encourage me, who listened to my rants & helped me to get my head on straight… You know who you are)

#2 Lost

All my life I always know that there are so many emotions & feelings that I don’t know how to deal with. I always know my life will be easier when I’m busy because I don’t need to really feel & think about those emotions & feelings. If you think I’m cool because I did so many things in my life — I’m not. It’s just my way to escape from my inability to cope with myself. Having a choice to do nothing terrified me. I really want to be able to have peace with myself — doing nothing & still feel content & happy, but I still don’t know how. And in 2018 there was one period of event that triggered so many feelings & emotions which I didn’t even know that I was capable of feeling them. I feel so lost. I’m not sure what love is anymore. I’m not sure whether I really love the people that I always say “I love you” to. I become terrified of marriage and attachment. The idea of being with someone who can’t live without me is too damn scary. Also the idea of people hanging on their happiness on me. I feel like I’ve been made to walk alone all the way through my life and it’s become an obsession to be able to live by myself. I feel like it’s hard to accept people’s kindness & love because I know I can’t do the same. I feel like it’s better if some people never know me in the first place. I don’t know who I want to be & what I really want in my life. I feel like I don’t love myself — whatever love means — because I often find me hating myself. I haven’t seen the light in dealing with this & I want to work it out to love myself first before I could properly love others. But one thing I know, it’s okay to feel this way. Everybody’s bruising. Including the stranger you met in coffee shop today. Including that annoying shop keeper you met last week. Including the girl who always smiles in advertisement. Including the people you look up to. Including the guy who wrote your favorite self motivation book. Including people around you. Including people you love, and people who love you. Including you.

Most of the times I rarely share about my problems especially during the time I was experiencing it because I hate to appear fragile & weak. However, I also hate it when people think that I’m a wonder woman who can do & achieve anything (and believe me there are many people telling me this, including my closest ones) But if you happen to read this.. now you know I’m not.

“I don’t wanna surround myself with people that tell me I’m perfect because I’m not & I don’t want to be. I’m 23 & sometimes I sing out of tune. Sometimes I lose weight & I wanna gain weight. Sometimes I say stuff I shouldn’t. And sometimes I’m gonna make mistakes.” — another Jessie J’s speech before performing Who You Are in London

I don’t want to end this writing with my depressed thoughts so I’d like to tell you that there are many bright things happened in 2018 too — because in this life there will always be something nice and something not nice, and also something neutral. I found meaningful friendships. I spent more time with my friends. I feel like I got closer with my brother and we talked about things we never talked about before. Even to be able to survive through my dark moments I’ve shared before and still be able to write this today is a bright side. I might not love myself and someday I hope I’ll change, but I’m okay with who I am today.

And like what Jessie J said, I hope this writing will help me to put it all in perspective during future worse moments in my life.

To 2018, I’m grateful for you.

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(This post was originally published on 31 December 2018)