I don't dare to call you home...yet.

“I don’t dare to call you home. Yet.” I spoke vaguely with your back facing me.
You turned around. I saw little faint lines on your forehead as you unconsciously furrowed your eyebrows a bit.
“Why?”

“Home is supposed to be where I could go to feel safe & comfortable whenever I want to. With you, that’s not the case. I guess the distance makes me feel like we’re walking on a tightrope.
“I need to be cautious not to fall too deep when you’re around cause I know in a blink of an eye you would leave. And I can’t even blame you for that.

“This same exact distance also makes me feel more comfortable being alone. Eventually, it becomes something that I truly need. Which might also be a positive revelation. You know how I used to always feel like I need someone to want me romantically, right?”
You nodded.

“Honestly it almost felt like I never could call a place home. I wonder if home is something with you inside it. I even wonder if it’s really.. a thing.

“Ironically now I often feel suffocated when I have no space to be on my own. Including when you’re around. It confuses me cause you’re supposed to be my safe space.
Yet I also don’t dare to call my loneliness home.”

There was a quite long silence in the air. I knew you were trying to find the right pieces of words in your mind.
“Maybe home is not something that needs to be defined. Especially now.”

“You’re probably right. As I get older I tend to live in an endless vicious cycle of overthinking something and forcing myself not to think about it cause I can’t figure out the answer yet.”
“I understand. I guess I’m just the same.”

“One thing I know for sure is that being with you made me feel so many things I’ve never felt before. Whatever lies ahead of us, I think there will always be a permanent space in my mind and my heart for you.”

You smiled & patted my head. “I think those are more suitable to be my lines instead of yours. After all, you’re my first love.”