A Messy Snapshot of My Thoughts These Past ~2Months

November 19, 2023

((Context: I just moved to a new city beginning of last month hehe))

I always thought that I was a super fan of adventures and I was always down for adventures. But this time strangely I felt so nervous and afraid.Ā 

Iā€™ve been to several abroad programs & I have never thought about ā€œHow if I donā€™t have any friends there?ā€ Iā€™m not sure if itā€™s because I had an ultimate loner mindset or if I was more confident in myself - but I was not afraid at all.Ā 

Maybe itā€™s because this will be the longest & furthest I will be away from my home; and itā€™s to a place where I am not familiar at all & I canā€™t speak the language; I lived in Tokyo & KL for several months, but both of them felt quite familiar. I read shojo manga since I was a little kid, and Malaysia has always been Indonesiaā€™s closest neighbor - we even have a similar language. Maybe itā€™s because I always had people in the same boat as me - fellow interns, fellow exchange students. I had people that I could relate to. But this time, itā€™s to a city where I didnā€™t even know whatā€™s inside it, and I have really no one in the same circumstances as me, as itā€™s for work and Iā€™m the only one going. Maybe itā€™s because everything is new here down to the small little details in daily life and I donā€™t know if I can adjust well. Maybe itā€™s because this is full-time work and thereā€™s a lot of pressure in it. Iā€™m hard on myself, at least thatā€™s what some people told me.

Maybe itā€™s because Iā€™m getting older so Iā€™m more afraid of spending my time ā€œwronglyā€ even tho I think it depends on one's perspective. I am such a hopeless romantic & I know Iā€™m not that young anymore & I donā€™t know if I will ever find someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with (cliche, I know).

But maybe itā€™s also becauseā€¦ I value my personal relationships more than ever now. I admit I had such a lone-wolf mindset. Back then I had people I was close to, but I always believed I was bad at keeping in touch, and I have never thought I couldnā€™t live without them. Yet right now I feel like I have so much to lose back at home. So much that I actually want to keep them forever. Iā€™m afraid that when I go back in the future, everything has changed & I wonā€™t have the same relationship with them as before.

As I grow older, I also realize the appeal of having adventures is decreasing - meanwhile, the appeal of having a peaceful & stable life is increasing. I value the relationship I have with myself more.Ā Iā€™m putting more effort & prioritizing how I can make life here feel homey, rather than planning to travel and see the world. And honestly, I feel very troubled about this, I feel like I should have been happier. I feel like I should have been busy planning to do something new, to see the world. I wonder if I am too slow in adapting. Ā 

One thing I know, the appeal of having adventures might be decreasing, but theyā€™re not totally gone. Seeing new things, going to new places, the idea of it still sounds interesting. Even or maybe even more if Iā€™m alone haha I enjoy being alone a lot actually. But I feel like Iā€™m too caught up in feeling homey to take action about these interesting things. I need to find balance in feeling homey and having adventures. Maybe I need to force myself to be more adventurous. Cause thatā€™s the beauty of being in a completely foreign place, isnā€™t it?Ā 

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