((Context: I just moved to a new city beginning of last month hehe))
I always thought that I was a super fan of adventures and I was always down for adventures. But this time strangely I felt so nervous and afraid.Ā
Iāve been to several abroad programs & I have never thought about āHow if I donāt have any friends there?ā Iām not sure if itās because I had an ultimate loner mindset or if I was more confident in myself - but I was not afraid at all.Ā
Maybe itās because this will be the longest & furthest I will be away from my home; and itās to a place where I am not familiar at all & I canāt speak the language; I lived in Tokyo & KL for several months, but both of them felt quite familiar. I read shojo manga since I was a little kid, and Malaysia has always been Indonesiaās closest neighbor - we even have a similar language. Maybe itās because I always had people in the same boat as me - fellow interns, fellow exchange students. I had people that I could relate to. But this time, itās to a city where I didnāt even know whatās inside it, and I have really no one in the same circumstances as me, as itās for work and Iām the only one going. Maybe itās because everything is new here down to the small little details in daily life and I donāt know if I can adjust well. Maybe itās because this is full-time work and thereās a lot of pressure in it. Iām hard on myself, at least thatās what some people told me.
Maybe itās because Iām getting older so Iām more afraid of spending my time āwronglyā even tho I think it depends on one's perspective. I am such a hopeless romantic & I know Iām not that young anymore & I donāt know if I will ever find someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with (cliche, I know).
But maybe itās also becauseā¦ I value my personal relationships more than ever now. I admit I had such a lone-wolf mindset. Back then I had people I was close to, but I always believed I was bad at keeping in touch, and I have never thought I couldnāt live without them. Yet right now I feel like I have so much to lose back at home. So much that I actually want to keep them forever. Iām afraid that when I go back in the future, everything has changed & I wonāt have the same relationship with them as before.
As I grow older, I also realize the appeal of having adventures is decreasing - meanwhile, the appeal of having a peaceful & stable life is increasing. I value the relationship I have with myself more.Ā Iām putting more effort & prioritizing how I can make life here feel homey, rather than planning to travel and see the world. And honestly, I feel very troubled about this, I feel like I should have been happier. I feel like I should have been busy planning to do something new, to see the world. I wonder if I am too slow in adapting. Ā
One thing I know, the appeal of having adventures might be decreasing, but theyāre not totally gone. Seeing new things, going to new places, the idea of it still sounds interesting. Even or maybe even more if Iām alone haha I enjoy being alone a lot actually. But I feel like Iām too caught up in feeling homey to take action about these interesting things. I need to find balance in feeling homey and having adventures. Maybe I need to force myself to be more adventurous. Cause thatās the beauty of being in a completely foreign place, isnāt it?Ā