2020

WHAT. A. STRANGE. YEAR

-is what I think when I look back on 2020. Today is 31 Dec'20 & I feel like I wanna write something. Not really sure about what to write but I think I’ll just take this moment to be honest & vulnerable, pouring my thoughts & feelings about 2020 - the strangest year ever.

Let’s start with something cliche: what I’m most grateful about. As you might have known, I’ve been working on Peach Over Berries, a business I started back then in mid-2019, and been focusing more during pandemic due to more free time. Still remember last Dec'19 we hit 1K followers (took me ~6months!!! Super slow) However this year it’s growing really well, much more than I expected (P.S I’m the type that always set achievable goals for instant gratification lol) Never thought I’d think that I’ll be able to live from Peach Over Berries, even tho my 9to6 job is still my main source of income. I used to think Peach Over Berries is my happy space. A playground where I could pour out my creativity & idealism, as well as try & fail & try again in many things. I have this weird urge of wanting major control in things that I do, which I can’t really find in my 9to6 job. But as I’m getting more serious about it, somehow, sometimes, it begins to feel like a burden. I saw it coming tho. I expected it. I know when we consider something as our career, as something that could feed us, it’s not gonna be entirely a happy space. It’s going to feel like a burden at some point. I think I’ve said it somewhere in this blog that I’m naturally & raised as a competitive person and as I started to keep track of the numbers: followers, revenue, profit, engagement, etc - the burden starts to feel more & more real. Now the next step is, which is also something that I need to seriously think about: how to make peace with the burden & keep moving on. Anyway despite the negative feeling, I’m still tremendously grateful. Without the pandemic I don’t think it would happen this soon.

Moving on to something more personal… Prior to pandemic I’ve mostly been living apart from my family for years. I used to dislike being at home cause of some things I don’t think I’d share here. Turned out after ~9months of living together with my family again, actually it’s not as bad as it was before…and I kinda enjoy it?! I used to hate when people change as if I forgot that it could be for a better direction but now I’m happy to see our personal growth. However, I still feel like something is missing. I once read that we can never really relaxed & rest assured unless when we’re really alone - and I resonate with these words extremely well. Living with my family still feels like I need to be available all the time & I’m not sure how to explain but saying “don’t disturb me” won’t be a great help. Also, have I told you that my room has no window & there’s a hole for shared air-con with my brother? R.I.P privacy lol. I enjoy me-time a lot when I’m just doing my things with minimum distraction or just getting lost in my thoughts. Besides, when I’m completely alone I feel like I could be more honest with myself. I hesitate a lot in showing my hardships/crying in front of other people & as this pandemic brings a lot of negative feelings - it’s not easy to release them when I’m not alone. Well I hope by sharing this I don’t come off as if I don’t love my family cause I love them & I care about them. Heard it somewhere that distance is the 6th love language and I think if it’s included in the test it would be in my top 2 list lol. (#1 would still be act of service, I believe…or not?) Anyway I’m considering to rent a room next year & see how to balance my time alone while still connecting with my family. Finger crossed!

Despite my need of being alone, after all I’m still a human… and humans are social creatures lol. My family is quite strict about the pandemic (me too). Me & my brother are both working from home. We don’t really go anywhere, only eating out sometimes (MUST be outdoor & not too crowded so we could still apply social distancing) or rent Airbnb in town. We spray alcohol over everything that we touch. We limit interactions with other people and we do voting every time a family member wants to meet others. That being said, I rarely meet other people… and the pandemic makes me realize that my virtual social interaction capacity is actually pretty limited. Even with my closest ones, responding to text often feels heavy as well as initiating or joining calls. I desperately miss “real connection” with my closest ones and I truly hope next year will be better. I’ve shared about this before in one of my previous posts so I won’t talk too much about it.

Talking about closest ones, I only have a very few of ‘em & I’d like to keep it that way. However, I love meeting new people and being inspired by their different ways of living. I constantly think that we’re only one decision away from a totally different life - but that one decision needs to be considered carefully, don’t you think so? There are consequences of each of the decisions that we make, and by knowing “real” people who take similar decisions, I believe I could make better assumptions of the consequences. I have some ideas in my mind on how to connect with more people but then…. the pandemic came. I guess for now I’ll just stick with watching Terrace House.

Lastly…I would like to share about the familiar feeling that I’ve been feeling all my life, which is getting more obvious during pandemic: emptiness. I feel like it’s becoming more often for me to suddenly pause when I’m doing something, questioning why the hell am I doing this. Then the circle of questions comes: okay I do this for this objective - but then what, then what, then what? I’m not a religious individual but I understand the main goal that I should aim according to my religion, but feels like I’m getting even further from it. I constantly find myself easily demotivated, it could be even just a few seconds away after the burning motivation that I felt. The thought of wanting to disappear also comes more often than ever. Can’t believe there’d come the day when I’d say this - but I miss joining intense meditation retreat. I think I’ll sign up for one after the world gets better.

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Wow what a long post! Just realized that I shared lots of personal struggles (even tho not in detail). Actually one of my main sources of insecurities this year is that almost everyone around me seems to be doing just fine despite the pandemic, meanwhile I often feel that I’m not fine. The ones who share their struggles are usually the self-help accounts that I follow on social media, or people I don’t know personally. Thus I hope if in any way you’re experiencing similar feelings like mine, this writing could comfort you that you’re not alone. Also hope the world will heal soon & 2021 to be a better year for us!