We don't talk anymore
And you don't even try anymore

All you ever did these days was gaslight me
And you can't see the things I do for you
Or maybe you refuse to
Cause you think it's easier to get what you want if you do so
And when you still don't get what you want
You put the blame on me

I know I give you all you need
But what you want washes away all your soul
And conscience
And kindness
It blinds you

And I feel like I stopped knowing you a few years go
Even though maybe to begin with
I never even know you that well

Have you ever thought to be a better person for me?
Have you ever thought about how someone like you should behave?
Have you ever thought about me - in a way that someone like you is supposed to?

I don’t think I could forgive you
But you don't ask for forgiveness anyway

We're like a cracked vase that somehow still does its job
Hanging our hope to the cheap glue that sticks pieces of us
What we have is prone to break
And it breaks, sometimes
However we always manage to get back together

I don't know what I did in my past lives to deserve crossing paths with you
There are too many “you should have been”s written in my diaries

I know I can't fix people
You, of course ain't an exception
Yet in my head I secretly hope
One day, you would change
And we can have the things we're supposed to have

“I don’t dare to call you home. Yet.” I spoke vaguely with your back facing me.
You turned around. I saw little faint lines on your forehead as you unconsciously furrowed your eyebrows a bit.
“Why?”

“Home is supposed to be where I could go to feel safe & comfortable whenever I want to. With you, that’s not the case. I guess the distance makes me feel like we’re walking on a tightrope.
“I need to be cautious not to fall too deep when you’re around cause I know in a blink of an eye you would leave. And I can’t even blame you for that.

“This same exact distance also makes me feel more comfortable being alone. Eventually, it becomes something that I truly need. Which might also be a positive revelation. You know how I used to always feel like I need someone to want me romantically, right?”
You nodded.

“Honestly it almost felt like I never could call a place home. I wonder if home is something with you inside it. I even wonder if it’s really.. a thing.

“Ironically now I often feel suffocated when I have no space to be on my own. Including when you’re around. It confuses me cause you’re supposed to be my safe space.
Yet I also don’t dare to call my loneliness home.”

There was a quite long silence in the air. I knew you were trying to find the right pieces of words in your mind.
“Maybe home is not something that needs to be defined. Especially now.”

“You’re probably right. As I get older I tend to live in an endless vicious cycle of overthinking something and forcing myself not to think about it cause I can’t figure out the answer yet.”
“I understand. I guess I’m just the same.”

“One thing I know for sure is that being with you made me feel so many things I’ve never felt before. Whatever lies ahead of us, I think there will always be a permanent space in my mind and my heart for you.”

You smiled & patted my head. “I think those are more suitable to be my lines instead of yours. After all, you’re my first love.”

A harsh truth & self-reminder:

Hard work sure does matter, but it doesn't always pay off the way exactly you wanted it to be. some things are just not meant to be yours - no matter how hard you work for them. hard work CAN betray you.

But in the end, the things you regret the most are the things that you didn’t do. So if you really want it, go work for it!

Thoughts about making money:
‍
I often write about the importance of knowing when to say I have enough BUT in my opinion money still matters (A LOT) & we should know our worth. I’m so done with those who advocate that the youngs shouldn’t care about salary that much & instead should care more about personal growth / experience / passion etc. Try being poor or being a sandwich generation. I can only understand if it’s intended for someone who’s financially privileged / already has a decent salary. If not, then it’s just an insensitive opinion.

In the other hand, it's nice to have a job with high salary but if it comes with bad working environment (ex: no work life balance, bad boss) - I would still opt for job with "enough" salary but has good working environment. Just need to make sure that I have defines my "enough" & that the "enough" salary still matches my worth.

Much needed daily affirmation + reminder that I set as my phone's wallpaper:

I'm enough.
I have enough.
Everything will be alright even if I don't get what I want.
It's ok to make mistakes & fail.
It's ok to be anxious over small, stupid things.
I'm still learning.
I'll get used to it.
I'll get stronger.
& I have proven it soooo many times before.
Breathe.

I believe in people who don’t read books
I believe in people who don’t wake up early
I believe in people without mentors
I believe in people who don’t have routines

I believe in people who are in a dark place
I believe in people who failed
I believe in underprivileged people
I believe in slow thinkers

I believe in people who speak confidently
I believe in people who speak softly
I believe in people who stutter as they speak
I believe in people who keep speaking even if their voice cracks
I believe in people who speak not through voices
I believe in people who don’t speak

I believe in people who believe in God
I believe in people who don’t believe in God
I believe in people who still wonder about God

I believe in people who dream big
I believe in people who dream small
I believe in people with changing dreams
I believe in people who don’t dream
I believe in people who don’t dare to call anything a dream

I believe in the unusuals
I believe in the usuals

I believe in you

As someone who’s often struggling with voidness, watching Everything Everywhere All at Once really does feel like getting a warm hug.

Honestly, I don’t know how to explain what this movie is about cause I’m afraid my explanation won’t do it justice. But I’ll try. It’s a quirky movie that adopts the concept of multiverse, which is more chaotic than other multiverse movies I have ever watched - in a very positive way. It has a “villain”, it touches “save the world” idea, but this is not a superhero movie. I think it’s a movie about life, love, & kindness. Beautiful chaos.

We can’t experience the multiverse. But in this modern world where we have much more options than people decades ago, where we could interact with hundreds of people through the power of technology, where we could see what those hundreds of people are doing through the lens of social media, combined with the complexity of our desires, needs & responsibilities - life could feel like chaos. & it’s easier to fall into the hole of voidness, especially for us who don’t believe in God. Through this movie, I am being reminded of the way to live in the midst of this chaos. Be kind. Fight, but kindly. Cherish the few specks of time. Cherish the “ordinaries”. See the good side of things strategically. (I actually love it sooo much how they use the word “strategic”).

& If I could summarize all my feelings provoked by this movie in 1 word, it would be HOPEFUL.

"You tell me it’s a cruel world & we’re all running in circles. I know that. I’ve been on this earth as many days as you. When I Choose To See The Good Side Of Things, I'm Not Being Naive. It Is strategic and necessary. It's How I Learned To Survive Through Everything."

"I know you view yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight."

"The Only Thing I Do Know Is That We Have To Be Kind. Please, Be Kind. Especially When We Don't Know What's Going On."

“Here, all we get are a few specks of time where any of this actually makes any sense.”

“Then I will cherish these few specks of time.”

"In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you."

It should have been normal to be kind but why does it feel like I'm winning when I choose kindness?

I’m not super kind but there are times that being kind feels like the wrong thing to do & it just drains & confuses me when I think about it bcs I thought kindness should have been the norm… but after further thought I would feel like I’m winning when I choose kindness. Ugh I actually hate how I consider it as winning because I want to believe that I don’t have to win all the time🙃

I dream of a place
Where everything is quiet
There’s a blue sky & I’m under the shade
I have nothing to worry about
Nothing to be happy about
Nothing to be sad about
Nothing to feel at all
I am at peace.

Life doesn’t have to be colorful.
Some people like monochrome.
Some people like pink & tosca.
Some people like blue & white.
Let them be.

If some people can be content with a few colors,
Who are we to tell them that they should long for a rainbow?

Everyone has their own definition of happiness.
Their own definition of enough.
Their own definition of peace.
Their own definition of success.

Who are we to tell them what they should do?
Who are we to tell them what they should like?
Who are we to tell them what they should want?

Who are you to tell me what I should want?